I'm terrified of heights yet here I am forcing my body to creep closer and closer to the edge. I know I won't jump but I keep telling myself I can - I keep telling myself all this will be fixed and gone if I just jump. But I can't.
And I didn't.
- - - - - -
I recently wrote a letter to one of my missionary friends telling her I was gay and just being open and sincere about the struggles I was going through. I explained my fears about not being able to be true to myself whilst being true to my faith and how this would impact my standing as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Whilst the majority of her reply provided me with some comfort and reassurance there was one particular paragraph that stood out to me.
She said: "We all agreed to this life before we came, with the hope that we would live with God again afterwards. And as we are faithful and keep the commandments we are rewarded. I believe that the day will come when all things will again be restored. People who are gay will have the opportunity to marry someone of their opposite gender and it not be unnatural to them. They can have a family of their own. God doesn’t ‘fix’ them, because there is nothing to fix. I just believe that if they desire to be in love with someone in every possible way who is of the opposite gender, then God will give it to them. But just not in this life. God will always provide a way to keep His commandments. And I don’t believe God expects LGBT’s to marry someone they aren’t 100% comfortable with. But marriage is between a man and a woman and so God will provide a way for all to marry a man or a woman and it feel natural to them if they want it. But again, that opportunity for some may not come till the next life."
I saw this as my answer. I had convinced myself that every pain and struggle I'm going through right now would immediately be fixed if I returned back to my Heavenly Father. Although, I desired in every possible way to become 'straight', standing on the cliff's edge made me realise that deep down I knew this wasn't the path I wanted to choose.
My sexuality has been the core of my challenges and struggles for a few years now. Initially, I couldn't accept who I was and instead tried to change and suppress my feelings by forcing myself to fit into a box that I didn't belong in. I tried to be something I wasn't and it was extremely hard and miserable.
We believe that God created all things, right? So it logically follows that He created gay people too, and somewhere in that process He created me. For a long time I despised and hated this idea and because of this I felt some sort of hatred towards Him because I didn't want to be gay. I felt broken and that was His fault. My relationship with my Heavenly Father and Saviour began to suffer greatly. I stopped reading, praying, and recently I stopped going to church. I knew this wasn't some trial I could overcome with prayer and fasting no matter how great my efforts were. There was no such thing as 'have more faith' or 'try a little harder'. I couldn't accept being gay but I couldn't change it either and it scared me more than I could ever explain.
But I've recently came to the realisation that Heavenly Father created me just as He wanted. He loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy. He knew I was going to be gay before I was born, and so I know He has a plan specifically for me in this life. Being gay isn't a flaw or disability, nor is it a choice. I don't need fixing because I'm not broken.
Now that I feel more comfortable and accepting of myself, I have a strong desire to return back to church. I know it will be hard trying to balance out my sexuality and my faith - I know too well the feeling of having to choose one over the other but I have a deep love for this gospel that I don't want to lose again. Something that does terrify me beyond measure is being a gay person in the LDS church. I don't want to feel unsafe, unaccepted, or not welcome in my ward. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to deal with that yet but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
But for now, I'm just gonna end with a quote by Josh Weed who says it way better than I ever could.
"I want you to know that God loves you, and that even though you are attracted to people of the same gender, you are a completely legitimate individual, worthy of God’s love, your family’s love, and the love of your friends. You are no more broken than any other person you meet. You are not evil. You are a beautiful child of God. Please don’t be ashamed. Know that you can be forgiven for any mistakes you have made, and that God is not judging you. He loves you. Turn to him. He has a plan specifically for you. He wants you to be happy, and he will take you by the hand, and guide you step by step to where you need to be if you trust Him. He is not angry with you, and He knows you completely, every part, even the parts you wish you could keep hidden. He knows it all, and he still loves you! He couldn’t love you any more, and he is proud of you for your courage."
I'm a gay Mormon. I'm alive. And I like girls.
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